Unpunished Good Deed

Attack Chairs

Seeking some privacy and comfort in a crowded mall to make a phone call, I selected a dormant massage chair. All was well until a chair service person came to check out the furniture (and perhaps me, too). There were six chairs, and all except mine were unoccupied. Since I was talking on the phone, I couldn't carry on a conversation with Mr. Cute Tech Guy. As he was leaving, I heard him say to enjoy the free massage.

The chair immediately started erupting. Metal rods swept back and forth across my back. With full disclosure, I have my own metal rods internally supporting my spine from recent back surgery. I don't think this massage chair would be approved by my surgeon, Dr. Pedro Aguilar. The chair rods hurt a lot!

In addition to back torture, a boa constrictor attached itself to each of my legs and tried to squeeze the life out of them. Who knew that South Hills Village Mall was a natural habitat for these fearsome, muscular terrorists?

You may be asking why I didn't stop the mechanical beast. Good question. The simple answer is that none of the controls worked, probably because the cute tech guy never did test/service my chair. 

You may be wondering why I just didn't get up and walk away. That answer is not so simple. The chair was in a semi-reclined position. I'm not physically able to use either arm for leverage (severe arthritis). I couldn't pull my legs out of the strangle hold gripping them. I kept trying to keep my back from touching the chair's out of control pummeling. All the while, I'm trying to maintain a normal conversation with a Verizon Wireless customer service agent. If you've ever tried to reach a live agent anywhere, you will know why I didn't hang up and call back later. My voice was rising in volume and pitch as I was shouting at the agent that I did not want to hear about new phones or new plans or take a survey at the end of our conversation. She asked me if I was having a bad day at work! Laughing hysterically, I hung up. 

I hope you are wondering how I escaped the chair. That answer is easy. The chair finally stopped on its own.

I felt rather foolish about the whole incident, but when I shared this story with a friend, she told me the exact same thing happened to her friend. I think mall massage chairs should come with warnings. They hurt and they are definitely not relaxing.

In conclusion, I would like to punish the tech guy for his good deed. If you have had a similar battle with a mall massage, I would love to hear your story. Feel free to email me or comment below. I'm feeling slightly bruised right now, both physically and emotionally, so a little sympathy would go a long way. 

Sandra Warholic Seeley - All my life, and half of someone else's, I have lived in a humorous place called Earth. My muse is a tiny menehune from the island of Oahu in Hawaii where I lived for a year. Ernest Hemingway once sat under the exact same coconut tree where I did most of my writing. I'm also a sensitive to criticism Virgo who loves to get paid for writing and speaking funny stuff. Even though my mind is filled with volcanic ash residue and I'm still finding sand in my shorts, I will continue to write until my muse retires or I run out of pretty blue drinks, whichever comes first. Don't be bashful, email the author.